You Don't Have to Forgive Yourself

I have often heard people say:  “I’ve forgiven others, but I just can’t forgive myself.”   Early in my ministry with Bible College young people, I remember encouraging a few who were haunted by guilt and shame that they simply needed to forgive themselves.  I had heard the message of self-forgiveness taught by media pop psychologists.  It seemed natural just to layer it on top of my Christian understanding of forgiveness.  These young people had already trusted Christ’s forgiveness, and now they needed to forgive themselves, or so I taught.

Soon, I realized the weakness of this position.  I have made it my practice to read through the Bible nearly every year for a number of years now.  As I reflected upon the whole of Scripture, I queried, “Where in Scripture is the concept of self-forgiveness taught?”  My reflections did not identify a single instance of Scripture teaching the notion of self-forgiveness.  I have heard Oprah teach it!  I have heard Dr. Phil teach it!  But not Scripture.

Over years of pondering and reflection, I have come to realize that the notion of self-forgiveness is filled with self-pity, weakness, and an absence of faith.  You don’t need to forgive yourself! 

Think of it this way.  Could you die on a cross and shed your blood to effectuate forgiveness for anyone?  Of course not! 

Could any degree of your personal suffering, degradation, self-mortification, self-flagellation or spiritual works ever effectuate your own salvation or that of another?  Of course not.  

Neither can you suffer enough or wallow in enough self-pity and regret to muster any sort of self-forgiveness.

I met Gail during my evangelistic travels.  She remembered me from my childhood.  Gail had been a boarding student at Mount Carmel High School when I was a toddler.  She loved and admired my parents, their marriage, and my dad’s teaching of math.

Each service, Gail sat near the front of the church.  Her face was incredibly expressive.  When I told a funny story, I was guaranteed a response from Gail.  When God directed me to share a particularly penetrating thought that struck home with Gail, she would wince with the awareness of that truth. 

After nightly services, a group of friends joined together for dinner.  We went to various restaurants in town, told stories, laughed, and enjoyed Christian fellowship.  Gail was always ready to lead the way with a hearty laugh and a ready smile.  Gail was enjoying life in Christ.

But Gail had some deep pain.

I could see the pain in her eyes.  In church services, I saw the flash of pain and regret.  At dinner and in conversation, there it was again.  Gradually, Gail’s story tumbled out.

Gail had grown up at Trinity Friends Church, where we were holding revival meetings.  She had met Dr. Lela McConnell there, and was drawn by her charisma to attend Mount Carmel Christian High School.  At Mount Carmel, Gail flourished.  She grew in her Christian walk, and even sensed a call to children’s ministry.  Gail met and married a man with whom she attended high school.  He was not who she thought him to be. Gail’s call to ministry was soon foiled by a bad marriage to a man whom she learned was far from God. 

Gail and her husband moved to the West Coast.  She found herself far from God.  Gail experimented with other religions, and settled upon New Age philosophy.  She raised her children without any Christian values.

In her 60's, Gail’s marriage had ended in divorce.  She longed for home.  Gail moved east. Gail’s journey east was also a journey back to the God she had known as a teen.  Now single, her children raised, Gail returned to the church of her childhood.  That was when we met.

            

It was obvious to me that Gail was walking with Jesus.  Her journey had brought her back to God.  Gail was working as a volunteer in children’s ministry in the Church.  Her gifts were apparent.  It was also obvious that Gail was deeply pained. 

            

During the revival meeting, I preached a message in which I developed the idea of the futility of self-forgiveness.  Gail’s eyes reflected shock when I said, “You don’t have to forgive yourself!”  I went on to explain that Jesus is the only sinless Lamb of God who can provide forgiveness.  As we look to the sacrificial death and atonement of Jesus Christ on the Cross of Calvary we gain some understanding of the awfulness of sin.  We gain an appreciation of the atonement which Jesus provides, and our own utter helplessness.  In the light of the Cross, it becomes clear that none of us can do anything to provide forgiveness for ourselves.  Only through faith in the Lamb of God and the merits of His atoning grace can forgiveness be received by faith.

I suppose that some people use the expression “You just have to forgive yourself,” connoting a surrender to God or a personal letting go; but the language of self-help is grossly inadequate to express the awfulness of sin, our desperate need of a Savior, and the necessity of our placing faith in Jesus Christ, not in any actions conceived or contrived in oneself.  

At the close of the service, Gail came forward, bowed at the altar, and prayed a prayer of brokenness.  When she rose from prayer, she was bright.  A burden had been lifted.

Gail told me of her wanderings, pain and brokenness. She then told me of the journey of forgiveness.  She was clearly aware of Jesus’ forgiveness to her and of her forgiveness to others, but she lived with regret.  Gail’s regret was for a life poorly lived.  Her regret was for what might have been, and Gail felt that she had to forgive herself for her failures.

You see, secular culture had preached the message of self-forgiveness to Gail.  She had been told, “Just forgive yourself.”  But she couldn’t.  Her shame and regret were too great.  She later reflected, “What a weight was lifted that night!  I just praise The Lord that He sent you to Trinity Friends Church!”

The Word from God to Gail was, “You don’t have to forgive yourself.  You cannot!  You must simply look to Jesus in faith for what He has already done on the cross, and trust His forgiving power!” 

That night at revival meeting in Gail’s home church, her shame and regret were nailed to the cross of Jesus Christ.  The sins of her past that she could never forgive were already forgiven in Jesus Christ!  Gail must simply look to Him in faith!

            

Many of us have confessed, repented, and accepted Christ’s forgiveness.  But regret, consequences of past sins, and strained relationships caused by our sins against others provide cruel reminders of the brokenness of sin.  We try to muster grace to live in forgiveness, but we don’t feel any better!  Someone says, “Forgive yourself,” but that only leads to emptiness.  What must we do?  We must look to Jesus to move the mountains in our lives.  The sacrifice of the sinless Son of God upon the cross of Calvary is enough!  His shed blood is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, our brokenness, and our regret.  He provides wholeness, healing, and peace.  We must simply look to Him, not ourselves, in faith for His forgiveness.